Mail Call

This week, I open up the comments pages and respond to you:

A few readers have made some very unflattering comments on my post about how Jason Mraz's music is maybe possibly what child molesters listen to. They wrote to inform me that I am a dumb writer, and that Jason Mraz actually sings about cancer all the time, not love. If that is the case, then my post should have been titled Cancerpop Cancer Songs and Jason Mraz's “Music for People Who Defend Child Molesters on Blogs”. I apologize for this error.

All three posted their comments anonymously, possibly to hide their identity as child molesters. I'm not stating that as fact, just as an almost certain (almost) conjecture. It is also possible that one super child molester, who coincidentally has Alzheimer's disease, posted all three comments. Again, not stating a fact, just a near certainty. (Note: Alzheimer's disease is a terrible, debilitating disease that should never been joked about, unlike cancer, which is hilarious in every social situation.)

First, full disclosure here: I do not own a single Jason Mraz album. In fact, I've never actually listened to his music, but he looks kind of gross so I assume his music is terrible. Also, I have never been a child molester. I'm not saying this proves my point, but it is certainly compelling evidence that completely proves my point about Jason Mraz fans possibly being a little pedophilish.

Second, in the interest of public discourse, I would like to clarify my viewpoint a little, because if there is one thing I would never, ever, ever intentionally do, it's write closed-minded, hyper-opinionated or alarmist pieces, exaggerating and hyperbolizing my simple musical or artistic tastes for the sheer sake of entertaining others.

It's not that ALL people who like Jason Mraz are pedophiles, or that Jason Mraz is a TOTAL gigantic blowhard living in the closet, it's just that he's not as good as the greatest band that ever lived, Coldplay. And that conga-playing guy that he tours with, you know, the guy with the dreads, isn't as good as the greatest drummer of all time: whoever the drummer from Coldplay is. I forget his name.

Now, I know you Bloc Party fans are going to be furious and use all sorts of inappropriate language and cockney slang in the comments (like “plonk”), but let's just look at the facts:

• Fact #1: Coldplay is the greatest band that ever lived.
• Fact #2: Coldplay is way way better than Bloc Party.
• Fact #3: Chris Martin could probably kick Bono's ass because Bono is old and can't see well.
• Fact #4: I would totally bang Gwyneth Paltrow.
• Fact #5: etc...
• Fact #6: etc...
  

There are so many other facts proving this point, actually, that I won't even bother repeating them here, because if you don't already know them, you're not going to be able to understand them anyway. It's public knowledge. Look it up in the public knowledge dictionary.

Also, Blondie invented rap music.